Real stories from Australia's craziest family.

Why Australians Are Angry,
or 'Never Smile At A Crocodile'


Saturday , 25TH AUGUST 2018




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Nobody in Australia is smiling
right now. Down here, in the "happy-go-lucky" country we're all really angry. Nobody is smiling at Bondi Beach, nobody is surfing, if we had guns we'd have gone out shooting Skippy the Kangaroo because kangaroos bounce, and bouncing is just too fucking happy to tolerate.


In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past few days, (or you’re American), you might have heard Australia has a new Prime Minister, and we’re not happy about it. In a nut shell that’s because we voted for a guy to lead a party and before his term was finished, someone knifed him in the back and took his job.


Actually, it wasn’t the stupid buffoon who did the knifing who got the job, but one of the Prime Minister’s “mates” called Scott who took it, who most of us had to Google to recognise.


And it wouldn’t have been so bad except that this has happened a lot in the past few years of our politics, and every time it happens we are told that it won’t happen again, and that it was for the good of the party, or that only the other party behaves like that, etc, etc, etc – and it’s all an obvious pack of lies.


And the public have had a gut full of being lied to!


Because, really, we don’t give a two shits who sticks their face on the head of the party – Malcolm, the guy who just got axed was actually perfect for that job, born for it even, which is why we stomached him knifing the last guy who was a total cunt with big ears who we all hated – we just want them to do their fucking job and run the country.


The guy who got turfed, Malcolm, actually did a pretty good job for a politician who, like all the rest of them, pay so many dues on the way up that they're straight-jacketed into a role with hardly any real power, but it didn't matter, he got knifed anyway.


We all knew that he was just another talking head to be propped on the head of the ugly beast of our rapacious, greedy, capitalist econcomy anyway. The set up that is run by rich white blokes who make decisions without consulting anyone that interest themselves first and fucks the planet, over and over and over again. So the situation we have down here is a bit like your Trump situation without gilt skyscrapers and Stormy Daniels, and a bit like the shock of Brexit but without the public being involved.


And that’s the other thing we’re angry about – we weren't given a choice.


This garbage political situation was just thrown on us, and at a time when we have much more distressing and important situations that need attention – a devastating drought for instance which is killing our farmers, and we Aussie’s have a soft spot for farmers – the blokes who’ve inherited farms for generations who are expected to keep magically producing sheep and cattle from land that is designed for indestructible gum trees and eucalyptus-eating koalas, in other words - NOT English countryside. And now they have NO RAIN AND NO WATER and instead of focusing on them and helping them - we have a bunch of politician cunts running on stage into the spotlight doing the can-can dance with no undies wanting all the attention.


Oh, and we have the Great Barrier Reef dying too because of climate change - but we’re not talking about that either.


I’ve heard in America Trump ruled that nobody’s allowed to mention “climate change" in their parliament, but we can’t do something like that down here in Australia because we live too close to China and it would be thought of as a bit weird and communist. Australians instead choose the alternative tactic of throwing sand in the public’s eyes and creating a bit of a disturbance, they think we’re all stupid and that nobody is noticing that the reef is DYING and the farmers are fucked with DROUGHT, and they’re hoping that if they can just divert the spotlight away from the problems for a while maybe the situation will improve or we’ll forget for a bit and just go back to business as usual, which means making more money for the assholes who are already getting rich.


So there’s that.


But what’s really shitting us down here, more than anything, is that New Zealand got a BABY and we got a guy called Scott (short for Scott No Friends), our equivalent of your Trump or Brexit – ugly dudes in suits running around putting knives in each others backs.


And we could probably deal with that – we could go to the pub and skull a dozen XXXX schooners (no seriously, nobody drinks that shit down here except Queenslanders), and get a bit blasted and eat a kebab on the way home and deal with it the way Aussies know best – by KILLING the memory and majority of brain cells with it… the way we coped with it with the other knifings – Rudd!, Guillard! and even Abbot though we hated him….


But this time it’s WORSE because we wake up and through the hangover we remember that New Zealand has a BABY.


And for the benefit of overseas readers, let me explain why that’s an issue.


New Zealand is our closest island neighbour full of people we most relate to. It’s a bit like Wales next to England, or Canada next to the US, and just like England and America we try to pretend we’re not too interested in what they do over there. They’re like the younger, pot-smoking sibling who we let hang around from time to time when they make us look good, and we’re the older, wiser, in charge sibling with the better pay check who naturally gets asked to be the executor of the will by rich older relatives, that kind of thing. But New Zealand is never meant to look better than us, and they do – easily, right now.


Because New Zealand has a gorgeous woman as their Prime Minister, and we’ve been served up another fat, old white cunt.


I need to elaborate – New Zealand’s Prime Minister isn’t gorgeous as in, ’Yeah, she’s a bit hot like Pippa  Middleton at the Royal Wedding in the skintight cream silk a few years ago,’ – like BONER hot, I mean gorgeous as in gorgeous, inside and out.


She’s a NICE PERSON, with a big, real SMILE.


And nice people these days, especially in a position of power, are so hard to come by. Because let’s face it, most people in powerful positions got there because they’re greedy cunts, not because they wanted to contribute to anything good or worthwhile. Or maybe they did at the beginning, but they got so twisted up with greed and bitterness on the way up that they’ve ended up just like the others. They end up with smiles that look like Voldemort.


Not beautiful, big happy smiles like Jacinda Arden, because not only is she a beautiful person but she’s just had a beautiful baby and she has a husband who holds it and knows what to do. And smiles are infectious – when you see a person smile you can’t help but mirror that smile right back. The whole of New Zealand is fucking LIT UP with smiles right now like some horrible Christmas tree adorned with puppies and kittens.


And NOBODY IN AUSTRALIA is smiling right now. We’re crying through gritted, cracked wisdom teeth, through jaws clenched so tight our skulls might explode.


Because we have to look at another old, fat, white man –
with a totally FAKE SMILE.


To end, I would just like to invite you to sing along with Rolf Harris and the song from Peter Pan, ‘Never Smile At A Crocodile’, because we’ve been singing it ever since 1986 when ‘Crocodile Dundee’ Paul Hogan left his wife for his co-star Linda Kozlowski. Americans, I can tell you this now to your face – we kept cheering for Paul at the time because he was bringing all you cashed up Americans down here to “put another shrimp on the barbie”, but really he was just another old (yes, old motherfucker!), white guy who’d fucked someone over. And we hate him.

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